i know i said i wouldn’t be writing about fic or fandom-related content on here, but i am a known liar, i guess it comes to nobody’s surprise that i am going to now. i’ve started working on my hinata natsu character study again over the last few days. and it’s a little bit hard, but it’s also good. it requires me to dig up my memories from competitive gymnastics: being a younger sibling—a second sibling—pursing a sport that the older sibling already excels at, resenting said sport, clinging to said sport all the same. i’m a bit scared to have to give myself to the writing process, if that makes sense; i’m a bit scared of reliving the trauma i had the pleasure of experiencing through competitive sport.

i’ve been talking with my therapist at length lately about how to create art about a traumatic experience without becoming re-traumatized in the process. she knows i’ve been working on my short film about the relationship of two sisters and how it transfigures as the older sister loses people in her life; she knows that this is based heavily on my own life. you have to learn how to separate art from reality, she tells me. this can be a healing process if you let it, hatsuna, she says. and she’s write. i’m trying to remind myself this as i work on my natsu wip. i never really processed my trauma from sports fully, but i know my time in gymnastics has affected my tendency toward anxiety and depression, my chronic pain, my racial consciousness, and my navigation of sexual orientation and gender identity. gymnastics made me who i am today, and while i often give it that credit, i try not to think about the ways in which it hurt me. doing so is typically too painful. but: this can be healing process if you let it, hatsuna. this can be a healing process.

i am writing this entry during my terrible theatre class and also listening to your lie in april while doing so. i can’t wait for this class to be over after this semester. i still have many assignments to complete for it though, as i do for most of my other classes too. i’m incredibly hungry. i have only fifteen dollars left in my college bank account, which allows me to purchase goods from convenience stores and cafes on campus. i think i rationed it decently well, and i’m proud of myself for that.

my crew has a week left to finish post-production of our short film, which entails editing, poster design, and thumbnail design. i’ve spent four to five hours over the last two days going through all of the footage and audio files and marking the takes i want my editors to use. it has been a tedious and necessary process.

i’m not sure what episode i love most of your lie in april. it changes often, you see. for a long time it was episode five because i adored the monologue of “will you be able to forget?” then, in middle school, it was episode thirteen, in which grief and anger and forgiveness toward the main character’s mother is heavily discussed, and one of my favorite exchanges takes place:　

「『ね、ね、お母さん、愛の喜びと愛の悲しみがあるのに、どうしていつも愛の悲しみを弾くの？』

『それはね、悲しみに慣れておくためよ。』」

(“hey, hey, mom, if there’s ‘love’s joy’ and ‘love’s sorrow,’ why do you always play the ‘love’s sorrow’ piece?

“oh, that’s so that you’ll get used to sadness.”)

as i get older, i start to like the episode before that one, episode twelve, a lot too though. that one features a conversation between the main character and his piano teacher, in which he asks: 「母さんは、僕を憎んでたかな？」 meaning, “do you think… my mother resented me?” and that has always struck me. maybe because i didn’t grow up with a lot of pieces of media discussing the hatred and anger and frustration one can sometimes feel toward their parent, and that a parent may inevitably feel toward their child. episode sixteen is also up there in my favorites. twenty-one too, just because the grief of it all is so well done.

i guess it really does come back to grief and love and youth, if there is a difference between any of these things. as i get older, as more people get important to me, and as i lose more people in my life, i find myself going back to your lie in april more and more. i know it’s a kid show, but i hope i continue to hold it in my heart for a long while.

i have no idea why i just went on a your lie in april tangent but here we are. the second opening is significantly better than the first; there, i said it!

tonight i have my last zoom japanese conversation practice with the student from south america, and i have to film my final group project for japanese. i have a club staff meeting. i wonder if i’ll have time to nap.